Police Blotters

Oh, those criminals. When will they ever learn?

January 26, 2018

Batting for Both Teams

A domestic disturbance call was made around 4am. The caller was a member of the ‘boomerang generation,’ living in his mother’s house and sleeping in the living room. He reported that his mother and her boyfriend were in a huge fight that looked like it might turn violent. When the police arrived, the son let them in and showed them to the master bedroom. When the police talked to the distraught couple, the woman was extremely irate and couldn’t figure out how to use her inside voice. She yelled that she had discovered that her live-in boyfriend had been sleeping around…with a dude. The man argued that they had been fighting over a much simpler subject; that the live-in son had been leaving the light on at night and wasting electricity. Nobody appeared to have any injuries, but the cops ran everyone’s information through the system. As luck would have it, the boyfriend had multiple warrants. One was out of Bay County, and another was from central Florida, for child support. This guy, who can’t seem to keep it in his pants for any human, was taken to the jail, where he’ll hopefully learn to start supporting the wild oats that he has sowed.


Did You Know…

That it is a crime to have more than one valid Florida driver’s license? One lady learned this the hard way recently, when she was pulled over for failing to stop completely at a stop sign. After the police pulled her over and examined the license she gave them, they noticed that it didn’t quite match the name in their system. As it turned out, she had a new one issued in 2015 and had given them the old one by mistake. She was issued a criminal citation for having two valid licenses at the same time, and they seized the old one for destruction. She ended up just getting a warning for running the stop sign, but she lost her spare license. Don’t make this mistake!


Terminal Trespassers

A property manager had to call the police one afternoon to report that a residence she managed was full of people who weren’t supposed to be there. The previous leaseholder of the property was recently deceased, so nobody should have been inside. However, one should never underestimate the ability of lowlifes to take advantage of even the saddest situations. When the police arrived and got a key from the property manager, only one trespasser was left. The others must have been spooked off beforehand. This last squatter was quickly given the boot and a trespass warning, meaning that if she comes back to squat again, she’ll be spending the night in Bay County Jail instead.


Stop…Hammer Time

Jealousy is a toxic emotion in any relationship. It can ruin marriages, and it can show its ugly head even when there’s absolutely nothing to be jealous about. One husband and wife ran into trouble with jealousy recently when he started chatting to her ex-boyfriends on Facebook. Obviously, this wasn’t a good idea, and his conversations with these guys stoked the already-growing irrational rage in his mind. He really started to believe that his wife was cheating on him, and he began shouting at her, trying to get a confession for something she probably didn’t even do. The wife put her child to bed and tried to get some sleep herself, but it was difficult to accomplish while he was yelling at her. Not even earplugs would work. But she continued to ignore his shouted accusations, until he realized that he wasn’t getting her attention. That’s when he went to get a hammer. He brought it into the bedroom and started systematically smashing her belongings, including her much-beloved eCigarette, which probably alleviated the headaches he gave her. When she ignored that, he tried to grab her iPhone, but she kept it away from him. Thankfully, he didn’t get physical with her, but he did decide to do something else stupid. He took a few Xanax (9 or so) and drove off into the abyss. Police were called and showed up moments after he had left. They dispersed to look for him, but he turned up 30 minutes later at his father’s house. His dad was taking him to the hospital to have him cared for. Hopefully his dad talks some sense into the guy about being a good man or has his son sent to a good therapist. Emotions like this are no good, no matter how much Xanax you take.



A couple of stoners were driving around one morning when they forgot to stop completely at a stop sign, a classic and quick way to get pulled over. Once the cops approached the driver and passenger side doors, they noticed the passenger conceal something in his back jeans pocket. The aroma of the car could best be described as ‘burnt cannabis,’ so the cops instructed the boys to step out of the vehicle. When they asked the officers why they were being searched, they were told it was due to the pot smell coming from the car. The paranoid passenger then blurted out that he had smoked some of the herb awhile ago, and they found that the item in his jean pocket was a cigar with traces of marijuana in it. This mixture of tobacco and cannabis, more commonly known as a ‘spliff,’ was enough to get this passenger a free night in jail. The driver was only released with citations. One can only hope they learn not to drive around with potential impairment. It’s selfish and just plain dumb.


Pushed Out of the Nest

A mother and son were in a heated verbal argument recently. Things became so heated that she called the police on him, stating that she wanted him out of her house. The son had recently moved out and started living on his own, but he decided to come home to take a shower and probably do his laundry. Mom was not happy about this, and she told him at the door to get his keister off her property. She barricaded the door with a chair, but he barged in anyway and used her facilities. When the cops showed up, the bulk of the argument was over. The son took his things, gave up his house key and right as a resident, and left. Some baby birds are pushed from the nest, and I’m assuming that’s what this lady is trying to do.


The Ol’ Bags-In-A-Bag Trick

A sly lady thought she could try her hand at some shoplifting recently when she made a trip to our local giant general store. She had prepared for her heist by placing a bunch of plastic bags from that store in her purse. As she made her way around the store, she furtively put items in those shopping bags to make it look like she had paid for them. Her entire shopping experience was closely watched by the security team, in person as well as on the cameras. Once she had racked up over $600 worth of goods, she tried to exit through the garden center, but she was quickly detained by security. When police arrived, they took this thoughtless thief to the big house. These folks should really read the Blotters; maybe then they’d realize how stupid it is to try and rob this store.